In what was meant to be a show of force, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth summoned the nation’s top generals to Quantico for an unprecedented and mandatory meeting. But instead of projecting strength, Hegseth delivered a bizarre tirade that was so over-the-top it immediately became fodder for the nation’s late-night comedians, who collectively shredded the performance and reframed it as a moment of profound absurdity.
The speech itself was a laundry list of aggressive posturing and culture-war grievances. Hegseth declared it “liberation day” for America’s “warriors,” vowing an end to “climate change worship,” “gender delusions,” and “dudes in dresses.” He railed against “fat admirals and generals,” calling them a “bad look,” and boasted that America’s enemies would be crushed by the “violence, precision and ferocity of the war department,” punctuating his threat with the acronym “FAFO” (F*** Around and Find Out).
The spectacle was a gift to the late-night circuit, and they did not hold back. On “The Late Show,” Stephen Colbert delivered the most memorable blow, branding the Defense Secretary a “five-star douche.” Colbert relentlessly mocked Hegseth’s tough-guy act. “Gosh, did you hear that, five-star generals? Pete did a swear,” Colbert deadpanned. “He! Is! Cool! You know, I hear he has like 10 Playboys under his mattress.” When Hegseth encouraged the generals to “point out the obvious,” Colbert obliged: “OK, you suck monkey butt.”
Over on “Jimmy Kimmel Live!,” the host approached the strange gathering with similar incredulity. “All the top military leaders were pulled off the frontlines in Portland and Washington DC and summoned to Quantico for a pep talk with Pete,” Kimmel explained, before quipping, “Usually when a big group of people gather in one room for Pete Hegseth, it’s an intervention.”
Kimmel also highlighted the deep hypocrisy of the moment, particularly Hegseth’s focus on fitness. After playing a clip of Hegseth criticizing “fat troops,” Kimmel responded with a shot of President Donald Trump, who appointed Hegseth. “I love the idea that Trump is lecturing these guys on fitness,” he laughed. “I mean, if that isn’t the fondue pot calling the kettle fat, I don’t know what is.”
On “The Daily Show,” Ronny Chieng took a modern, comedic angle on the affair. “Listen, we all do weird things when we’re drunk, ok?” he joked. “Some of us slide into an ex’s DMs, and some of us call every US general to a meeting at Quantico.” Chieng zeroed in on Hegseth’s body-shaming, wondering why he couldn’t just “leave some passive aggressive comments on their Instagram.” He concluded with a punchline that went viral, summarizing Hegseth’s new vision for the armed forces: “According to Pete Hegseth, America’s military standards are now going to be indistinguishable from a Grindr profile – no fatties, no facial hair, and get those ladies the f— out of my sight.”
In an era of hyper-partisan news and polarizing political theater, it often falls to comedians to cut through the noise and expose the absurdity of the moment. Hegseth’s speech, intended to be a stern and powerful declaration of a new military vision, was immediately and universally reframed by the nation’s top comics as a cringe-worthy performance. Through their sharp and relentless mockery, they dismantled his tough-guy persona, leaving behind not an image of strength, but a caricature that will be hard to shake.
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